Blizzard has smashed its way into the three-laned landscape of MOBAs with its new universe-blending brawler, Heroes of the Storm. It’s a game of intense action that requires lightning fast skill. As an online-only multiplayer game in which, unless you have a lot of friends, you’re going to be playing alongside many complete strangers, it quickly becomes clear that you can manipulate them as if they really exist or something. Here’s just a few ways to annoy your PUG teammates and be an incredibly bothersome player.
1. Ping More
Seriously, you can not ping too much. An effective team should know what you are doing at every moment. Are you going top lane? Ping it. Are you gonna fight some mercenaries? Ping it. Are you worried someone is about to die? Ping it. Like the way a tree looks on the map? You know it, ping it!
And when I say ping, I don’t mean ping (singular). I mean ping (plural). Never ever ping just once. Don’t have enough faith in your team’s observational skills for that. If you want to retreat, ping it at least eight times. Ping any less than that and it is very easy to miss and you might not have gained the complete and undivided attention of your allies.
2. Give Up
But stay in the match. Sometimes you know you’re on a loser team (or team of losers, depending on how you like to think of it). This happens. Even though Heroes of the Storm is designed so that dramatic come-backs are always plausible, you can just know in your gut it’s all over. Even if your team argues with you, you’ve gotta trust yourself. In these cases it is perfectly acceptible to give up and stand around your base. Don’t leave the match though - you still deserve your XP!
3. Sit Around Until You AFK
Different situation: the game’s going fine, but you’ve gotta go. Real life comes first of course, but if you’ve gotta leave - don’t quit the game. Blizzard have implemented this system which makes AI take over your character when you leave, so make sure you sit your character some place relatively safe before you walk away from your computer, so your team knows you’re there in spirit until you time out and get automatically kicked. Even though you’re not there to see it, know that they will most certainly be praising your thoughtfulness in that chat. You’re a legend.
4. Critique Your Allies
You are the Hero of the Storm. Say it. “I am the Hero of the Storm”. That’s right. You’re a gamer, you know this $#!& backwards. If your team is having any issues, you’ve got to tell them why that is. If it looks like someone isn’t playing their character the way you would yourself, point it out. You’ve got to isolate the exact fault, and make sure the perpetrator knows they are costing the team everything. This game is not for carebears. If you can’t handle the intensity or understand the strategy then you should go play something that has a lower IQ requirement, like Life Is Strange. Tell them that. They’ll beg for forgiveness thank you for your honesty.
5. Curse Your Enemies
For the #&!@#%# @!&#$ #@& @^!*@&#amp; that they are. They’re just overpowered glitch hackers, and every time you die you need to blame your killer. This tip goes hand in hand with the previous one; blaming the enemy in no way prevents you from also blaming your own team. It can be everyone else’s fault.
That’s it for my tips, but remember: there’s a whole world of irritating things you can do online. Be creative.
I look forward to tolerating you in the Nexus.
/facetious
